I was driving through North Carolina last week. Just by chance I happened to have my original birth certificate with me, not a copy. I was happy that I had it. It certified that I was born a male. I stopped at a nice restaurant in the middle of a mid-sized city. At the end of the meal and a few drinks, I had the urge to take a leak. I asked the waiter where the rest room was. He asked me if I needed to visit the men’s or ladies ‘room. I kind of squinted at him. He told me that he has been instructed to ask that question of any customer who wants to frequent a latrine.
I told him that I needed a urinal. He understood and pointed me to a rest room behind the bar. As I approached the door of the latrine, a rather burly man asked me to present my birth certificate. I congratulated myself quietly and pulled it out. The guard looked at it very carefully and opened the door to the men’s room. He had a funny look on his face. I did not think to ask him any follow up questions.
I entered the lavatory and stood at the urinal and relieved myself. After a moment or two, I heard the door open, and a tall suave looking guy pulled into the urinal beside me. He stood there and pulled down his zipper and began to pee. I had not finished yet, when he asked. Isn’t this who thing ridiculous. I turned to say something to him and realized that I had swiveled my body and began to pee on his shoes.
He was aghast and told me so. I told him that I would be glad to help him clean his shoes, or reimburse him for his trouble. He said nothing, so I grabbed some paper towels and bent over to wipe some of the urine off his shoes.
At that very moment, a man opened the door and saw me bent over about penis height cleaning the shoes. He practically screamed at me to stop what I was doing. All of the noise brought the manager and bartender into the bathroom. They both said the same thing. “We have got to have some way of weeding out the queers.” I shrank to about 3 feet tall and left the bathroom, paid my bill, as others scrutinized me and walked out of the door.
As I was driving to my destination, I realized what a boon this transgender thing could be to the North Carolina economy. First, there are now jobs for guards at the bathroom doors both male and female., additional personnel at the county courthouses to produce original birth certificates, and bumper stickers that might say, “ I peed as a man today and my son is a honor student at Fluffanutter High School.