I AM NOW GLUTEN FREE

GLUTEN-FREE
Can’t seem to get away from talking about my health. I am sure that it is symptomatic of my age and all of accommodation that you have to make as you mature into a ripe vegetable. A number of months ago I began to have some trouble with my tummy. I visited a number of physicians along the way to a satisfactory conclusion. Dr. Banerjee decided that my illness was idiopathic (short for I have no blessed idea what is wrong).
I had a colonoscopy. The only thing that they found out was that I do have innards. Nothing showed up. So, the conclusion was that I had something that caused by tummy to do some really weird stuff. Dr. Banerjee gave me something that is called an anti-spasmodic and told me to go on a gluten-free diet. I asked him if I was celiac intolerant (how’s that for a great idiom) and he told me that I was not. So why was I going on a gluten free diet. He had only this response, “It may do you some good.”
You are not going to believe this, but he was right. After a few days of pills and gluten free, I determined that my stomach was in good shape. The problem with being gluten free is that you are really restricted in what you may put down your pie hole. Actually, you may not put pie in your mouth anymore. There are a number of restaurants with gluten free menus, but not enough stuff on them to satisfy this gourmand.
Most of the bread-like substances taste like old socks and bear grease. Rice noodles are great if they are contained in Chinese dishes at Chef Wong’s, but not with any kind of gluten free marinara sauce. Yes, Domino and other pizza parlors have the gluten free variety, but they also have the suspicious taste of a substitute. All in all, most of the food that is presented as gluten free is also taste free.
So, what does this leave us to eat? Well, there is aged cheese, milk, some kinds of ice cream, fish, chicken and meat. I have, however, discovered the wonders of Werthers Original Candies, which I now eat by the handful, notwithstanding the possibility of destroying the few real teeth that I have and irritating my administrative diabetes.
One other caution about gluten free food is that they cost more than regular food. I had a young lady who has a bakery in this area tell me that her bread is all gluten free. I tasted one slice and understood why I would not want to shop at her bakery. She also told me that a gluten free birthday cake would cost about $56. Is that taking advantage or what?

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