LIES I HAVE CONCOCTED

In times of yore (during the cave days), I spent a great deal of time on the road making presentations about school equity. At some point I was frustrated enough hearing the lies about public education that I decided to lie myself. However, remembering what my grandmother told me about uttering falsehoods, I would announce ahead of time that I was going to lie. I now present some preposterous lies.
1. Ponce de Leon is still alive and living in the Fountainblue Hotel in Miami, under the name Morton Mandlebaum.
2. Robert Redford’s birth name was Destiny Himmelfarb.
3. Betty Crocker was a man.
4. Auld Lang Syne means “I have canker sores.”
5. 77% of all identified American serial killers were home schooled.
6. All Shakespeare’s plays were written my Menasha Skulnik.
7. Beni Hana’s original name was Schmuckler’s, after the founder, but was deemed to be too ethnic.
8. The Hunger Games really began as a diet book.
9. Voodoo worship is very popular in congress.
10. Congress will never bring back earmarks
11. If Harry Potter were Jewish, he would have gone to a better school (P.Rudnick).
12. 62% of all women would prefer that they would not have the right to vote.
13. Vodka martinis shaken but not stirred was invented by Wally Cox.
14. As men get older, their rear ends begin to look like triangles.
15. Cougars are older women with sharp teeth.
16. Thomas Jefferson invented the malted milk shake.
17. Coca Cola was originally green.
18. Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey boxed under the name Two Ton Tony Galento.
19. It is said that breast milk goes well with Graham Crackers.
20. Mel Brooks is the father of David and Garth Brooks.
21. The original Daily Show was to be hosted by Barbara Walters.

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