THE RETURN OF RONALD T. BOGUS

(This blog is being given over to Representative Ronald T. Bogus, who serves the 21st legislative district in the State of Anxiety. Bogus has been in office since 1985. Along with the former editor of the Clarion News, there has been constant friction between the two. Actually, they both went to Creedence Clearwater College in Ohio and were roommates. Bogus found this blog on his own and has insisted that he have a turn in the barrel to explain himself and his background. He refers to a blog by Jeremiah Nebbish, another critic of his service to his constituents and felt I needed to be fair. So in a moment of pure Zen, I agreed.)
I am not sure who reads any of Hillman’s blog, but I know that somehow, he has defamed me in some of his musings. I have not read all of what he says because most of the time it does not make any sense. I have sent this blog address to most of my family and friends and they think that it is unreadable. With that as a preface, let me tell you something about myself.
My former good friend has made sport of me in many of his writings in the county from which I came, Clarion. He is still the naïve person he was when we were both students at Creedence Cleawater College in Ohio. He still does not understand that I was chosen president of our fraternity and he was just part of the mob. That is why he and his band of brothers; Nebbish, Hillman and others have taken liberties with my background. Many of my former former friends now think that I am a money-grubbing, dishonest bag of wind.They have twisted my desire to be a good public servant, a conscientious citizen and an entrepreneur in the great American tradition of free enterprise.
Let me begin by saying that I am proud and humbled by the fact that my constituents have seen fit to reelect me 12 times in the last 24 years. During a particularly low point in the history of our legislature five years ago, I refused to take the raise that was duly passed by both houses and signed by the Governor. It was only when receiving many emails and notes from my constituents that I finally agreed to take it. Most of the messages said that if I did not take it, some other crook would probably get it. I was proud that my constituents saw me as honest and others as crooks.
I have been besmirched by half truths and innuendos in the local newspapers in Clarion County. I am known in my own 21st legislative district as a hard worker and a forthright defender of the underdog- a friend to those who have no friends.
Let me comment on some of the more outrageous shadings of truth that have appeared in the local newspapers:
1. That my law degree was secured by sending a $25 fee and a matchbook cover to a post office box. That is as far from the truth as can be possible. I received my degree from the Cayman Islands Institute of Law. I spend a full three weeks in residence there and wrote a 10 page thesis on “ Why I want to be a lawyer.” I was given credit for life experiences and graduated with honors.
2. I have been accused of somehow taking advantage of people by selling bottled water during and epidemic of giardiasis. How could anyone think my efforts to help the unfortunate people of my district and state were based on monetary self interest? I was visiting one of our community residents in the hospital in High Anxiety. He was the owner of an almost bankrupt bottled water company. Because of the mounting hospital bills, he needed some quick cash. Fortunately, I always carry blank forms in my attaché case (bills of sale, wills, mortgage forms, etc.) and I was able to help the poor fellow out by purchasing his business. Was it my fault that the news of the giardiasis epidemic became public knowledge a day later?
3. And the scurrilous remarks about my campaign of November of 2008; My worthy opponent and mortician, Hardly A. Cheapshot remains to this very moment one of my dearest friends. I cannot be responsible for his inability to campaign properly. Yes, I am a skilled orator and very quick on my feet and always well prepared… I majored in voice and articulation at Clearwater College.
If the truth be known, I did not set up the debates between myself and Hardly. It was my opponent who requested we have some hand to hand public discussions. It was all done under the auspices of the League of Person’s Voters- a fine organization (coincidentally Auntie Emma Louise Bogus Pennypacker is the president of the group). I did not feel that the election was slipping away. I was thoroughly enjoying the debate when my opponent launched a below the belt attack.
He began asking inane questions about my voting record, my stand on economic development, and what I had brought back to my district in the past 22 years. It was then and only then that I began to counterattack. I questioned his stance on such issues as incest, spousal abuse, cloning, the spread of Socialism across the nation, Osama Bin Laden, Lady Gaga and many more. He seemed to take each of these questions personally.
You know that I always come prepared for a fight and I sure was then. I read off all the courses that he had taken in mortician school to the audience. Would you believe there was no course on Americanism, the family or patriotism or ethical behavior? He was loaded down with chemistry, biology, forensics, anatomy and a course on Marxist theory ( a part of his political science class).
My opponent was shocked to hear that I knew him so well. He stood on the podium and tried to find a water glass while I dispatched him to the trash heap of losers. If he had not opened the door with his audacious questions, it would have been a pleasant experience for both of us.
After reading this, I am sure that you will know that I am a person who puts his constituents before politics. It would be difficult to come to any of your fair towns because our state does not reimburse for out of state travel. Failing that I would love for you to know what the Bogus clan looks like- my wife Rhonda and two adopted sons- Ronson and Rambo. If you would like an 8 x 10 glossy photograph, I would be glad to autograph it for you and send it right back. Please address it to The Honorable Ronald T. Bogus, 21st legislative district, 201 Millard Fillmore Way, Xenophobia, Anxiety 23567. Please enclose a check for $20 made out to me. I do appreciate the opportunity to speak with you directly.

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